Choosing egg donation is not always an immediate decision. For many women, before considering it, there have been months or even years of trying to conceive, tests, treatments, waiting, hopes and outcomes that did not turn out as expected.
That is why, when the medical team explains that the chances of achieving a pregnancy with your own eggs are very low, the reaction is not usually purely rational. Although egg donation may offer a real opportunity to become pregnant, accepting this change in direction can bring up many different emotions. It means saying goodbye to a deeply personal idea: having a child using your own eggs.
When egg donation was not the initial plan
Many patients come to egg donation after being diagnosed with conditions such as low ovarian reserve, poor ovarian response, advanced maternal age, repeated IVF failures, or embryos that fail to develop as expected, even after several treatments involving Preimplantation Genetic Testing (PGT).
In this context, it is common for an initial reaction of rejection to arise: "I can still try one more time," "Perhaps a different protocol will work," or "I'm not ready to give up on using my own eggs."
This stage is understandable. At first, egg donation can feel like a door opening, but also like another door closing. Both feelings can coexist for some time.
Most common questions before making a decision
During that initial stage, when a patient is trying to come to terms with egg donation, it is normal for questions to arise: "Will I feel that the baby is truly mine?", "Will I always remember that the baby doesn't share my genes?", "Will my child look like me?", "What if I regret it in the future?", "Will I have to explain it to my child when the time comes?"
These are questions we frequently hear in consultation, and they do not mean that a patient does not want to become a mother or that her decision is the wrong one. They simply mean that she is adjusting to this new path towards achieving the much longed-for pregnancy.
Genetics matter, but they are not everything
With egg donation, the baby is not genetically related to the patient through her eggs. This is a reality that needs to be acknowledged honestly, but it is also important to put it into perspective. Motherhood is not defined by DNA alone. There is also epigenetics. And motherhood is built through the desire to have a child, the decision to begin treatment, pregnancy, childbirth, care, parenting and a shared life.
During pregnancy, the mother's body supports the baby's development, nourishes the baby and plays a role throughout the entire gestational process. Then comes childbirth. From that point onwards, the bond continues to grow through everyday experiences: being present, caring, physical contact, routines and love. What often happens is that, over time, egg donation ceases to occupy a significant place in the experience of motherhood.
Coming to terms with egg donation
However, coming to terms with egg donation does not usually happen overnight. There may be a period of denial, followed by sadness, or by comparisons with other women or with the pregnancy the patient had imagined for herself.
Feelings of guilt may also arise when she feels distressed about an option that, at the same time, offers hope. She may be afraid to voice her doubts for fear of appearing less certain about her decision. None of this invalidates her desire to become a mother.
The process can begin to change as the patient gains a better understanding of the treatment, has her questions answered, learns how the donor is selected and feels that the decision is becoming a natural path towards motherhood: a choice made by far more women than we might think.
Talking about it before starting can help
Before starting egg donation treatment, it is advisable to have the opportunity to discuss all of these feelings during a consultation. Not only the success rates, medication and treatment schedule, but also how the decision feels emotionally. Some patients need time. Others need information. Others simply need to hear that their doubts are completely normal.
If you find yourself in this situation, do not hesitate to share all of these concerns and questions with your doctor. Part of reproductive medicine is knowing how to address the emotional side of fertility treatment.
And always remember that the bond with a child is built during pregnancy (and even before that, while we dream of meeting our child and giving them our love) as well as at birth, through the care we provide, and throughout all the days that follow.